SCOTLAND: User Guide and Manual
by Anelie Bonnaire
Summary: "Congratulations! You are now the proud owner of a fully automated SCOTLAND unit! In order to ensure that you receive the full use and benefits of this unit, we require you to read the instructions below thoroughly and carefully." Rated T for Turnips


**_I saw a bunch of these, but could never find one for Scotland. So, I made one myself. I take no credit for anyone else's work, and I am not trying to steal their idea. I just thought it would be fun. :)_**

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_Congratulations! You are now the proud owner of a fully automated SCOTLAND unit! In order to ensure that you receive the full use and benefits of this unit, we require you to read the instructions below thoroughly and carefully._

**Basic Information:**

**Name:** Scotland. Will also respond to Scott, Alistair and occasionally Ginger, though irritably to the last one. Do not refer to him as Ireland, Arthur, or England, for he will most likely become upset. If you continue to do so he may become a hazard, and we will have to come and remove him. No refunds.

**Sex:** Male  
**Date of Manufacture:** November 30th  
**Place of Manufacture:** Edinburgh  
**Race/Species:** Scottish Humanoid Country  
**Height:** Approximately 6' 6'  
**Weight:** 164 lbs (mostly muscle mass, and hair)

**Your SCOTLAND unit comes with the following accessories:**

3 kilts: one blue, one green, and one red.

A never ending supply of Scotch.

1 large bagpipe, fully functional [If broken, contact the manufacturer's services to replace it immediately]

1 LOCHNESS MONSTER(Nessie) unit.

1 loop earring [optional]

1 sword.

1 Catholic rosary

**Removal of SCOTLAND unit from packaging**

To remove SCOTLAND from his box, you may do the following.

Find a nearby IRELAND unit, and place him beside the box. The unit will then proceed to tear the box open, and exclaim that he has Irish Whiskey. However, if you chose this tactic, your SCOTLAND unit may go into premature drunk mode, and completely ignore you.

Drag a television set beside the box, and play any of the movies listed on high volume: The Waterhorse: Legend of the Deep, Braveheart, Brave, or Spongebob Squarepants. Your unit will then complement your taste of entertainment, and you may proceed to program him to the desired mode.

If you are able, speak Gaelic, and he will immediately program himself into Tranquil mode. However, even if you simply try, he will admire your efforts and may attempt to teach you some words. At this point you may program him at will.

Play the Scottish national anthem, preferably with many bagpipes. SCOTLAND will immediately start humming along, before asking if he can be let out. You may then reprogram him.

It is not recommended to immediately open the box to get SCOTLAND out because he believe you are a threat, and may attack you. _We are not responsible for any injuries done to your person._

_Once your SCOTLAND unit has been removed from his box he will recognize you as his owner and will default to Irritable mode. This mode will change to Tranquil mode once you get to know him better, though proceed with caution. If you smother your SCOTLAND unit with affection too quickly, he may revert to Vigilant mode, and may take longer to gain your trust. If you wait too long, your SCOTLAND unit may grow frustrated, and/or revert to Depressed mode.  
_  
**Programming:**

Your SCOTLAND unit is programmed to do the following:

MUSICIAN: SCOTLAND units are highly talented musicians, and each one should be able to play these instruments: Bagpipes, harp, flute, and fiddle. If your SCOTLAND unit is unable to do any of the previous listed, please contact the manufacturer.

CHEF: SCOTLAND can be an excellent cook, especially if he is in a good mood. However, be cautious. His food can quickly turn from excellent to horrendous and disgusting if he is in a bad mood. His food creations usually consist of meat, and may either be extremely delicious, or revolting. However, do not let him stay in the programming for too long, or else you may end up eating Haggis for weeks.

BODYGUARD: SCOTLAND units are extremely violent, and are easily angered. SCOTLAND is programmed to protect the owner from harm, and will do anything in its power to do so. SCOTLAND will not attack you, though he may begin to mumbles curses at you if angry.

BOYFRIEND: If you unlock your unit's Cheerful mode, he will behave more friendly and become devoutly loyal to you. He will bend to your whim, and do almost anything you ask of him. Note that of any ENGLAND units come into his vicinity, he will revert to Protective mode. If in vicinity of IRELAND, WALES, or GERMANY units, SCOTLAND will revert to Drunk mode, and you will have to carry him home when he passes out. SCOTLAND may revert to Irritable mode afterward, due to a hangover. It is also advised not to mistake SCOTLAND for an IRELAND unit, for he will revert to Irritable mode.

PROFESSIONAL DRINKER: SCOTLAND is programmed to be able to drink as much scotch as he pleases without getting drunk, and the effect is the same for other alcoholic beverages. However, if SCOTLAND meets an IRELAND, GERMANY, or PRUSSIA unit, he will almost immediately go into drunk mode. We are not responsible for any bar fights he may start.

**Modes:**  
Your SCOTLAND unit is programmed with the following modes:

Irritable _(default setting)_  
Tranquil  
Playful  
Depressed  
Protective  
Homicidal _(Locked)_  
Vigilant

Drunk

Your SCOTLAND unit will remain in Irritable mode until you coax him into Tranquil mode. While in Irritable mode, your SCOTLAND unit may become slightly introverted, and may refuse to do anything you ask. It is recommended that you complement his kilts, and hair.

SCOTLAND will enter Irritated mode when he feels alone and/or has lost a fight with the ENGLAND unit. Getting your SCOTLAND unit to enter Tranquil mode while in this state may unlock Playful mode.

Playful mode is activated after Tranquil, or even Drunk mode. While in this mode, SCOTLAND will seek your attention, attraction, and will tease you immensely. He may grow sarcastic and bold, and even kiss you. He will also do most of what you ask, so as to gain your affection. He may also play his instruments, dance, or sing to you. However, mention of an ENGLAND unit may revert him back to Irritable mode.

Depressed mode is unlocked when your unit does not gain enough affection, or makes a mistake in his services. Depressed mode may be cured easily [see; Irritable mode]. During this mode, SCOTLAND will sit near a window, in a corner, or stand outside to stare at the sky. He may also play his instruments, talk to Nessie, or revert to Irritable mode.

Protective mode is activated when your SCOTLAND unit is within vicinity of an ENGLAND, RUSSIA, or FRANCE unit, or if he enters Irritated mode more than ten times in under 24 hours. This mode will result in SCOTLAND giving and receiving many injuries, and loud, brash yelling. However, your SCOTLAND unit's Playful mode may be unlocked, if you complement his protectiveness towards you.

Homicidal mode is activated after Protective mode, or if your SCOTLAND unit is attacked by another unit. It is nearly impossible to revert SCOTLAND into this mode, and it is very difficult to get him out of it. In this mode SCOTLAND will attack anything in his path, and may hurt the owner if no precautions are taken. He may use his sword during this mode, so we recommend that you and other units keep their distance. If SCOTLAND is in this mode, wait until he reverts to Depressed, or Vigilant mode, and then proceed with caution. Please contact the manufacturer if nothing seems to work.

Vigilant mode is activated if SCOTLAND is shown too much affection too quickly while in Irritable mode, or after Homicidal mode. He may watch you carefully, and may not wish to interact with you. If an IRELAND unit is introduced, SCOTLAND may revert to Drunk mode.

Drunk mode only unlocks if in the vicinity of an IRELAND, WALES, GERMANY, or PRUSSIA unit, otherwise the amount of Scotch he drinks will be of no consequence. While in this mode, SCOTLAND may dance, laugh, and/or revert to slight Playful mode. SCOTLAND may then pass out.

**Relationships with other units:**

IRELAND: This unit is very close to SCOTLAND, and their relationship is strong. They often spend their time arguing over who invented whisky/whiskey first. SCOTLAND usually switches to either Drunk, or Tranquil mode when around an IRELAND unit. However, if you mix the two up, SCOTLAND will switch to Irritable mode.

ENGLAND: This unit is quite terrified of SCOTLAND, but would make a good punching bag for your unit if he reverts to Homicidal mode. Do not worry, the ENGLAND unit is programmed to handle such beatings.

WALES: (NOT YET RELEASED)

GERMANY: SCOTLAND does not usually bother with this unit, unless there is an alcoholic beverage involved. In which case, the two will end up competing to see who can hold their liquor the longest. Be warned that Germany usually wins, which will leave SCOTLAND in Irritable mode when he is sober again.

PRUSSIA: SCOTLAND finds this unit quite annoying, but like the GERMANY unit, finds him good to compete with in the consummation of alcohol. Otherwise, it is best to keep all PRUSSIA units away, to prevent any damage.

FRANCE: This unit will probably try to grope SCOTLAND, in which SCOTLAND will beat him up. It is best to avoid letting any FRANCE units withing the vicinity of SCOTLAND.

RUSSIA: If SCOTLAND notices a nearby RUSSIA unit, he WILL go in Protective mode, and will try to beat him up. However, it is best that you keep all RUSSIA units far away, unless you are looking for a way to get rid of SCOTLAND. No refunds.

BELARUS: SCOTLAND units are naturally attracted to these units, due to their brashness, strength, and beautiful appearances. Your unit may in fact spend most of his time trying to gain a BELARUS unit's attention, though the chances he will succeed are very slim. It is best that you try to keep SCOTLAND away from BELARUS, because she may become hostile towards you and your unit, and may break his fingers. No refunds.

**Cleaning:**

SCOTLAND is capable of cleaning himself, however you may need to remind him that it is necessary to take baths at least once a day, not once a week. You may also need to make a schedule for him, which he will follow if you are extremely serious. Be reminded that if your unit is in Playful mode, he may drag you in the shower/bath with him.

**Rest and Feeding****:**

SCOTLAND units do not require food or any form of sustenance, and he will not die in case of a food shortage. However, it does keep him cheerful if you feed him treats every now and then. SCOTLAND will tell you what he likes to eat, which is usually Haggis, Black Pudding, Steak, Cheese, Raspberries, Scotch or Irish Whiskey, and yes...scones. He also likes to start off his day with a bowl of porridge.

_Though SCOTLAND does not require food, be sure to check and make sure his batteries are fully functional. _

SCOTLAND units do not require rest either, however it is best that you make sure he at least takes an hour long nap every day. SCOTLAND units will fluctuate from extremely tired, to extremely hyper depending on what time of the year it is. If your SCOTLAND unit sleeps heavily for over a week it is best to make sure he is fully functional, because he may need to be repaired.

**Frequently Asked Questions:**

**Q: My SCOTLAND unit is glaring at me from a corner, and has been doing so for quite a few days. What is wrong with him?**

_A: Your SCOTLAND unit may be in Irritable mode after briefly experiencing Homicidal mode, and will return to normal within a few days. Your unit may also have lost his 'Nessie' stuffed animal and/or bagpipes, and may be under the impression that you took them. If so, please replace them immediately, or he may revert to Depressed mode. If all else fails, you may restore him to his Default Mode._

**Q: My SCOTLAND unit is eating all of the meat in my house, and it's getting expensive! What do I do?**

_A: Your unit may be disfunctional, and may need repairs. Before you send him in, find a nearby ARTHUR KIRKLAND unit, and feed SCOTLAND some of his scones. That should cease his appetite._

**Q: My SCOTLAND unit is using words I can not understand, like 'lass', 'bonnie', 'dinnae ken', and 'Ah umnae'. I literally can not understand a word he's saying!**

_A: SCOTLAND is programmed to speak Scottish slang words to a certain extent, however his hard drive may confuse you with another Scotsman and think you understand him. Look on the back of his neck at the language selections, and make sure you choose the American flag instead of the United Kingdom flag. _

**Q: My unit keeps demanding that I have his children, what should I do?**

_A: Find a BELARUS unit, and he will leave you alone to 'woo' her instead. SCOTLAND units tend to find BELARUS units attractive, due to their harshness._

**Q: My SCOTLAND unit keeps trying to feed me 'Black Pudding', but I'm Jewish! What should I do/say?**

_A: Spend a full day giving your SCOTLAND unit undivided attention, and spoil him with presents and hunks of meat. Then sit your unit down and try to explain that you can not eat his food. He should be understanding, especially if you promise to watch Braveheart with him afterward._


End file.
